Insomniacs: Hide And Seek
by Whatserrname
Summary: The Cullens decide it is time for Bella to join in one of their favourite night-time activities, Hide and Seek. But this isn't just any old children's game, this is nation-wide, full scale Hide and Seek. Vampire Style. Just a bit of fun. Post Eclipse
1. Armed and Dangerous

**So this is a bit of fun that i've been working on under my desk in physics class for a while and I hope you like it. I know this chapter is pretty long but there was alot I wanted too get in. The first chapter is just setting the scene but I hope theres still a few things in there that'll make you smile!**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all these lovely characters. I'm just a little kid playing in her sandbox! :) **

**BPOV**

I couldn't believe I was going along with this. I sat on my bag by the door, waiting for Alice to collect me for our "Special Spring Break Sleepover Extravaganza". Charlie, who had allowed the whole thing, grinned at me smugly from the sofa. I bit back some of the less than daughterly words that came to mind and contented myself with glaring at him, turning on my full power death rays. But it wasn't the idea of one of Alice's sleepovers that bothered me, horrifying as they were. No, the thing that had me quaking in my Converse was that she seemed to think I would need a _passport_ for this.

A soft knock interrupted my bubbling hysteria and I swung open the door glaring down at Alice.

"Hey Ali-"

But it was not the pixie-like vampire that stood on my porch step and I found myself scowling at the crotch of Edward's jeans. OK, so that looked bad. I felt my face burn as I slowly raised my eyes to his face. I stood there in horror, too embarrassed to move. Edward was leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed and one eyebrow raised; a smirk was plastered across his face. He lifted a finger to his lips, indicating for me not to let Charlie know it wasn't Alice who stood before me. I attempted to throw him a withering look, angry at being kept out of the loop, but he only smiled wider. I stomped around, said goodbye to a smug Charlie and promptly tripped over my bag. Granite arms caught me. From the look on Edward's face I could tell that he wasn't going to let go of me until I smile. He grinned. Awww…crap, why did he have to be so freaking adorable! An unwilling smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. Satisfied, Edward set me back on my feet and we drove to the Cullen's Mansion. I talked all the way and he refused to answer my questions.

"Tell me" I pleaded

"No"

"Come on Edward, I want to know"

"Nope"

"Go oooon"

"Nuh uh"

"Please?" I whispered sticking out my bottom lip and pouting slightly. This was my last resort and I knew that I wasn't playing fair. He groaned, closed his eyes and opened his mouth to speak.

"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN DON'T YOU DARE!"

We were still half a mile from the house but for such a small person Alice's voice carried. I was my turn to groan as we pulled up to the familiar house.

My jaw dropped at the sight of the Cullen's driveway. All the remaining vampires stood crowded round an ominous looking black heap, each kitted out head to toe in army fatigues. Behind them were two black Jeeps with tinted windows and ominous looking roll cage type things.

"I don't like the look of this" I whimpered.

"Relax love; it's just a bit of harmless fun"

I didn't believe that for one second and it wasn't long before I had proof.

"Harmless!?" I cried watching Emmett swing a grappling hook around Rosalie and yank her towards him. Apparently I had said this a little louder than intended as everyone swung to look at me. There was a moment of silence and I could feel the horror and shock plaster itself on my face, it must have been priceless because Jasper was the first one to start laughing, a loud booming laugh that I was convinced could have been heard from Forks. Of course the others couldn't help but join him and I scowled further, angry at being the funny little human girl again. However, this only caused more hysterics.

I clambered out of the car and stumbled (literally, no thanks to Edward who was using all his concentration up in not laughing) over to where the Cullens were holding onto each other in convulsions pointing at my still horrified face. Heaving a sigh I waited for them to stop giggling. Personally, I couldn't see what was so funny.

"What on earth is going on?" I said finally

On closer inspection I could see that the black mass that I had seen from the car was pile of bulging black rucksacks. Emmett slung one towards me with a grin, Edward caught it when I missed and handed it to me with an apologetic smile.

"Bella, my family and I decided that it was time that you joined us in indulging in one of our favorite nocturnal activities. Since Eddiekins over there insists in continuing his stalkerish tendencies 24/7" He shot a sulky look over my shoulder "We haven't had chance to play with a full team for a while."

I still didn't understand and I opened my mouth to ask but Carlisle beat me to it, answering my unspoken question.

"I'm sure you'll be familiar, Bella, with a human pastime called Hide and Seek"

A sudden image flashed to mind of the beautiful Rosalie sniggering while she sat under Carlisle's desk and I snorted. I was a _master_ at hide and seek. Jasper looked confused and I immediately scolded myself for letting myself feel so confident, I tried to forget what we were playing and luckily I felt the mask of apprehension and worry seep back. Hide and seek was my game and I had been famed for it in my neighborhood as a little girl. One time I had hidden so well that a police search party eventually had to be called when I refused to come out.

"Alright listen up!" Alice yelled and I started. She had made us all line up and was now pacing in front of us like a drill sergeant. Jasper was almost glowing with pride.

"Bella put these on" I was handed a pile of clothes identical to the rest of the family. Feeling something suspiciously hard at the bottom of the pile, I rifled through them to investigate.

"Alice?" I could hear my voice wobble at my discovery, I definitely wasn't confident about this game anymore. Alice stopped her pacing and slipped out of character bounding over to me.

"Why haven't you put your clothes on? Awww come on, khaki is all over the runways this season, and you'll look cute!"

"It's not that. Alice why the hell would I need a bulletproof vest"

I heard a low guttural growl from Edward.

"Alice, are you insane?! I told you we can't use the guns this year! She's not invincible!"

"Yet" muttered Alice. I smiled slightly at that but instead rounded on Edward'

"You use _guns_?!"

Again it was Carlisle that answered me.

"Don't worry about us Bella we can't be killed that way. To us it's like…. It feels like a paintball gun would to you" He struggled to find a fitting analogy while I wobbled on the brink of hysteria. Unable to speak I turned to see Alice grumbling as she tugged something out of her backpack. I had seen enough action movies to recognize it as an AK47. I pinched myself. Damn, I had been sure this was another of my deluded dreams.

"That goes for all of you!" Edward growled looking murderous.

A grumbling Rosalie hitched up her pants and pulled a pistol out a holster a her thigh, pausing for a second she seemed to be assessing the situation before sighing a removing what looked like a grenade from down the front of her sweater. Emmett dragged something akin to a rocket launcher from the trunk of one of the black cars and added it to the growing pile. However Esme was the one that surprised me the most as she produced a pistol identical to Rosalie's from her sock. This was too weird. Apparently Edward, Carlisle and I were the only ones that had turned up unarmed.

Through the display I had felt Edwards arms tighten protectively around me until I was almost suffocating, I didn't dare look at his face. Alice wisely decided to move swiftly on.

"Earlier today I decided that we would draw teams out of a hat and so we don't need to bother because I saw the results. Team Dolce will be Edward, Esme, Emmett and I. Team Gabanna will be Bella, Carlisle, Rosalie and Jasper. No we cannot change the team names. House rules, for Bella's benefit, are as follows: Stay in the continental US only!" She shot a warning look at Emmett who was looking pointedly at his feet. "Emmett your restraining order on the Queen of England _is_ still in place as is the same with the Spice Girls Jasper please _try_ and stay away from them! Back to the rules: No use of extra abilities e.g. Mind reading" She scowled at that one "Each team is limited to a minimum spend of 100 000 each, we don't want to draw attention to ourselves" I snorted again " Emmett, no streaking. Rosalie, no using your…talents to get extra money. Edward, no whining and/or pining after Bella. Bella same goes for you in reverse. Jasper, please no nervous breakdowns there just isn't time. And yes I know, I have to stay on task and not go shopping. In your backpacks you should find a revised copy of the states in which we have been banned or are wanted for something or other. And last but not least, please keep Bella alive, life got rather depressing last time!" I just stood in shocked silence.

"First team to get to the other and tag each team member wins. If you get tagged everyone who you tagged is free." Edward explained quietly in my ear. "Don't worry you'll pick it up" He gave me a crooked smile and I nearly fell over. This was all too overwhelming and we hadn't even got going yet. I pressed myself to his chest in a parting hug and I sighed not wanting to let go.

"Don't worry, I'll go easy on you" He whispered and I sprang apart from him, glaring at him through narrowed eyes.

"Did you just say you'll go _easy_ on me?!" His topaz eyes widened in surprise when I poked him in the chest and almost broke my finger. "You picked the wrong mortal to mess with Edward Cullen. Just you wait! You…you…" I couldn't find a word bad enough so I turned a stormed off towards my team, my hidden confidence rushing back to me.

"Jasper!" I yelled "Let him feel how confident I am!" Jasper grinned looking thrilled and I heard a yelp from behind me. "Don't worry" I called back to Edward with a wink "I'll go easy on you!"

I watched Edward frozen on the spot; he opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by drill sergeant Alice.

"On my word Team Dolce will go to the west coast. Team Gabanna you will go to the East as soon as you get there you may start the game. READY! SET! RUN!"

**So there you go! Hope you enjoyed this chapter even if it wasn't filled with kick ass vampire action that i'm hoping some of the rest of it will. Please R+R and i'm completely open to suggestions of any scenarios people would like to see. Just as a little taster the next chapter will be called "Emmett, Edward and the Wrath of the Tampons" But I'm only writing it if people review! See you in the next chap ;)**

**Update: A small word of warning, my little mind can't cope with things like time zones and vampire velocity. Also I'm from England and have unfortunately never had the chance to go to the US so I'm writing this story armed with only a map. Therefore, I'm really sorry but you guys are gonna have to use your amazing imaginations with this one in regards to daylight, time and general locations. I'm really sorry guys, I hope you don't mind but in the words of the infamous Bella, if had tried "One of these days I'm gonna spontaneously combust"**

**Thanks for all the reviews!**


	2. Edward, Emmett and the Wrath of the

**Please vote on the poll on my profile to say who you want to win! There won't be a winner for a long while (if people keep reading) but I can't make up my mind. I'm sorry it took me a while but I think I'm happy with this chapter now. It's not perfect but I hope it'll make you laugh. Thank you to all the reviews they made me so happy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon or Eclipse. Nope. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Sob**

**Edward, Emmett and the Wrath of the Tampons...**

**BPOV**

I felt my stomach swooping into the air as my feet left the ground and my arms were deadlocked around a marble shape

I felt my stomach swooping into the air as my feet left the ground and my arms were deadlocked around a marble shape. Before I could blink I was plummeting forward through the forest at frightening speeds. We had reached the border of Forks before my mind recovered enough to work out that Carlisle was carrying me and we were running very, _very _fast. I opened my mouth tell him to slow down before I vomit but the words that came out were something vaguely along the lines of…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHRR!"

"Keep on screaming like that Bella I'm sure we'll be _completely_ inconspicuous" Jasper laughed from beside me.

"Yeah how could they ever find us?!" Rosalie called.

I was still in shock, it had never occurred to me that Carlisle could run faster than Edward but I supposed it made sense seeing as he had had more time to practice. Or maybe Edward had just being going easy on me for a while; it had been so long since we'd really had to run for something. _Or from something_, I thought with a shudder. I shook the thought from my head, now was not the time.

I watched in awe as the scenery flashed by me and I felt so…free. The four of us traveled in silence fore a while and I found that if I closed my eyes I could convince myself that it was Edward's back that I clung to. A thought suddenly occurred to me as I ran through the night's events in my mind.

"Jasper…Why do the Spice Girls have a restraining order against you?"

Rosalie and Carlisle roared with laughter as Jasper looked uncomfortably at the ground, which was quite a feat seeing as it was moving past at such high speeds. I began feeling extremely embarrassed for no particular reason, suddenly acutely aware that I had my legs wrapped round my future father in law. I attempted to give Jasper a vampire-style growl but failed miserably.

"Sorry Bella. Well it was in the nineties, you know how I loved the nineties?" He said pleadingly, "We were in London on vacation. There were so many fans; they were so excited that I could feel it right the way across the city. I couldn't help myself Bella! I dragged my family all the way to the stadium; I had never been so excited in my life that I almost _fought_ my way to the front of the crowd. I was so excited!" I felt my own heart speed up a little.

"You were wearing a sequined, union jack mini dress over your clothes, Jasper. A_ little excited_ might be a bit of an understatement."Carlisle grinned.

"Thousands of them. Hundreds of thousands of excitable twelve year olds, all that blood pumping with adrenaline" his voice was barely a whisper now as he swallowed. I was so engrossed in the story that I completely forgot that I was hurtling through the air in an unknown city. "Before I knew what I was doing….ijumpedontothestage" If vampires could blush, Jasper would be on fire right now.

"You what?!"

"I. jumped. Onto. The stage. I had to get away from them all, they were everywhere. And then… _She_ turned on me-"

"Scary Spice" Rosalie pointed out helpfully with a smirk and Jasper whimpered.

"She started…dancing…around me…touching me. Edward says she took a bit of shine to me. I panicked, Bella! Before I knew what I was doing, I had her pinned up against the wall. She thought I, ummm, felt the same as she did. Of course, you know what happened after that…"

"The first few lines of Wannabe are enough to have him curled up in the fetal position" Carlisle stated matter-of-factly. I struggled to gasp in air as I was laughing so hard, but a strange smell accosted my nostrils. Sea salt.

"Bella, welcome to Jacksonville!" Jasper stated grandly, shamelessly trying to change the subject. I recognized the surroundings around me as my mom's most recent home. I knew that I wouldn't be able to see her, after all how would I explain _that_ to Charlie. I pushed down the sudden ache inside me as I realized that I missed Renee. I would have to get used to that.

"Where did the other team go?" I asked, trying to get some less upsetting thoughts into my head.

"Denali" OK, that didn't help. Jasper grimaced sympathetically. Well that's just great, if Jasper knows why I feel awful it could hardly have been a secret.

All of a sudden we stopped; I looked around unable to see anything but darkness. Before the panic really set in I realized that I had my eyes closed. I jerked them open and let go of Carlisle without thinking, causing me to fall flat on my face in the sand. Sand?

"Sand!"

We were on the beach. I reveled in the feeling of the warm grains under my fingertips, ignoring the laughter of the others. With a sigh I pulled myself onto my feet, there was no time to lounge around the beach when I had some serious vampire butt kicking to do.

"So, what's the plan?"

"Well, we have a problem" Rosalie sighed.

"What?"

They all pointed at me.

"Oh" I murmured, crestfallen. "I'm s- sorry you have to have me on your team. I d- don't want to let you down, you can just take me home. If-if you want"

Rosalie threw her hands up in the air, "For goodness sake Bella stop being so melodramatic! Its not you, as a person, it's your scent. If we come anywhere within a ten mile radius of him he'll be able to point to you blindfolded. We don't stand a chance of sneaking up on them!" I

Brightened a little, but then frowned as I realized the magnitude of our problem.

"If we can't sneak up on them, we will have to come up with a different approach this year" Carlisle grimaced, but an idea hit me.

"If we can't go to them… then we'll just wait for them to come for us!"

"An ambush" Hissed Jasper "Perfect!"

"No offense Bella, but I didn't know you had it in you" Carlisle grinned, his eyebrows raised.

"Oh, just wait it gets better…"

* * *

_Time: 1100 hrs_

_Location: The Frozen Foods Aisle_

_Deserted Wal-Mart Store_

_Somewhere near Denver, Colorado_

I army rolled around a corner and promptly knocked down a pyramid of cans on top of me.

"Way to go with the sleuth, Bella" Rosalie muttered and I flushed scarlet. I had surprised even myself with my plan, it was by no means that of an evil genius but I had noticed Jasper giving me appreciative stares when I wasn't looking. So I was, in the freezer section of a baron supermarket, freezing my ass off, all in the name of war. Because that was what it was now, war. And I was going to win. I tried to fight off the evil laughter bubbling in my throat but a little slipped out anyway.

"Mwahaha…"

"What did you say Bella" Carlisle asked innocently. He knew exactly what I had "said".

"Uhhh, nothing"

"Positions!" Jasper growled into my earpiece. We had found it in the backpack that Alice had supplied me with, apparently to make up for my insubstantial human ears. I felt like a little old lady who had to wear a hearing aid.

I slid on my stomach down the aisle and into toiletries section. My boots made a high pitched squealing sound against the rubbery floor and I cringed. _Honestly, is it too much to ask to be graceful for 30 seconds in my life! _Silly Question… Jasper was crouched ahead of me behind a sales counter with a laptop in front of him. He had hacked into the security system and was watching out for the other team. I swear it was like a scene out of a heist movie. With a deafening screech against the floor I dragged myself up next to him.

"You know Bella, you could have just walked."

"But, where's the fun in that?"

I jumped at let out a small cry of shock as Carlisle and Rosalie swung over the counter in front of me.

"They're just outside the border; I'd say we have about 5 minutes. Only Emmett's actually going to come in, they aren't stupid; they know what we're trying to do. Emmett, of course, always has to be the exception to rule, so at least we'll have one down." Carlisle grimaced. "We could have done with getting Edward out, the girls are going to be tricky but we could really do without Edward's ability to smell Bella"

I almost stamped my foot. Almost. I had wanted to prove how good I was at this to Edward and he wasn't even going to be there to see! There had to be someway I could get him in here. He wouldn't be swooping in to save me like he usually does any time soon; I was in no danger here.

But he didn't know that.

He _couldn't_ know that.

I gasped as an idea flew into my head. Drawing on that intake of breath, I filled my lungs with air. My blood-curdling scream ripped apart the silence as I pushed out my breath as loudly as I could manage. Gathering all my, not so brilliant acting skills I closed my eyes letting my scream dwindle and wretch into a quivering sob. Grinning I opened my eyes, it wasn't Oscar winning but it would do. I saw three pairs of shocked topaz eyes boring back into mine, three perfect mouths hanging slightly ajar.

"Edward's coming…He definitely heard that, I can feel him panicking from here" Jasper said, a slow smile spreading across his face.

"I will never underestimate you again." Murmured Rosalie as I stood up and took a bow.

* * *

**EPOV**

She was in danger. My Bella, my angel was in danger. I wasn't there.

As soon as I had heard her scream I ran, wholly aware that I could be running into an ambush but not caring. I just had to know she was safe. It had been a mistake, bringing her here tonight. Of course it had been. That was my life, an amalgamation of mistakes. And I was completely aware that I could have been hurling myself at one, headlong, right at that moment.

I ground to a halt in front of the supermarket and heard Emmett crash into a lamppost beside me, snapping it in two. I had stopped because I could hear her heartbeat pounding out its usual melody, marginally faster than usual, but safe. I could smell her blood pumping with adrenaline but nothing else, intoxication as always. I half sighed in relief and half laughed, Bella was a better actress than I had given her credit for. I rolled my eyes at Emmett who was guiltily trying to rectify the damage that he had done to the streetlight. I saw a CCTV camera swivel out of the corner of my eye and sighed, still a little lightheaded with relief. There was no way we could not go in now. They we watching us…

I crept down the aisle, Emmett beside me, following their scents. Something was wrong, they weren't moving and from what I could tell they we simply sat calmly behind the counter just a hundred or so feet from Emmett and I. No matter how much I wanted to, I didn't listen, I wouldn't cheat, and I had made that mistake before… I sunk towards the ground into a crouch as a feral growl rippled through me. My brother motioned for me to move closer and I obliged, morbidly eager to see what was in store for us.

However, I don't think that in a million years I could have guessed what happened next…

**BPOV**

It was time… I placed my mouth next to Jasper's ear as Rosalie and Carlisle did the same. I couldn't see Edward, which was probably for the best. I prayed that Jasper could hold his emotion; he just had to wait for my signal but I knew that that would be easier said than done.

I heard an animal-like snarl echo through the vast supermarket and I grabbed the small box next to me. Rosalie had picked it, "Just an extra kick where it hurts" she had said. I stole another deep breath. I was ready. They were so close now.

It was time…

"YO! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT. WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT" I bellowed, singing at the top of my voice.

"SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! WHAT YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT!" Carlisle hollered. A 360 year old vampire, with the voice of an arch-angel, singing the Spice Girls. Not something you hear everyday.

"I WANNA" I cried.

"HUP!" The beautiful Rosalie shrieked…

"I WANNA"

"HUP!"

"I WANNA"

"HUP!"

"I WANNA"

"HUP!"

We all joined in for the grand finale as Jasper rocked backwards and forwards.

"I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANNA ZIGGAZIGG--"

On the final note I managed to do three things simultaneously. Firstly I drove my knee I into Jasper's side as hard as I could, ignore in the pain as kneecap met marble. Secondly, I swung my arm up into the air and slammed the box onto the counter in plane view of Emmett and Edward. It was a multi-pack of ultra absorbent tampons, I was convinced it would have freaked them out anyway, even without what was about to happen next. That's why I did the final thing; I dove away from Jasper onto the cool plastic floor and covered my head with my hands. Not that it was any use. How the hell I managed to do all these things in a matter of milliseconds I will never know. What can I say? We girls can multitask.

It was like a tidal wave of fear pulling me under, and I had only gotten the fall out from it, because I knew for a fact that Jasper had aimed all his emotion at one innocent little box.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHRR!!"

I looked over the counter to see Edward stood cradling Emmett in his arms, screaming and each holding onto each other for dear life. Emmett was clutching at Edward's shirt his face contorted into a mask of utter fear. My beautiful Greek god was pointing a shaking finger at the little pink box, whimpering in fear and unable to form coherent sentences. Jasper was staring intensely at them, pummeling them with emotion. I howled with laughter, they were completely unaware they had finished the last sentence in our little song. Rosalie and Carlisle were holding each other up in hysterics, it was a good job they didn't need to breathe because they would have most likely suffocated by now.

"BELLAAA! Please…take…them…away…get…" Edward had dropped Emmett and was now backing slowly away. Emmett was scrabbling away after him, clutching at Edwards legs.

"What? These?" I asked innocently picking up the offending pink packet. They both gave me desperate, wide eyed nods. I passed them calmly to Carlisle who scrutinized the box and then the boys. With a sly smile he hopped over the counter and walked slowly towards them. He shook the box slightly. This, apparently, was the last straw as a fresh round of screams ensued.

"OH MY GOOOOD! Don't. Come. Any. Closer!" Gasped Emmett.

"Stay Back!!" Roared Edward, brandishing two toothbrushes in front of him in the shape of a cross. Rosalie and I were rolling on the floor at this point, Carlisle was slumped against the counter, banging it hard with his fist. Dragging myself up, I tapped Jasper on the shoulder, signaling for him to ease up on them a little as I strode over to Edward who was still wielding his toothbrushes.

"Aren't you going to let us go?!" He whispered "Please, Bella"

I avoided his eyes, I could not afford to be dazzled right now.

"Oh no…" I grinned "We've got you exactly where we want you…"

* * *

**Please Review people! I can't improve if I don't know what your thinking. Mind reading would come in handy now! As always, I'm completely open to any ideas you have for plot.**

**There is a picture of Jasper's dress on my profile if you want to see it! Same as last time I'l give you the next chapter title to ponder on. Drumroll please!... "Waxing lyrical" bit of a play on words there :D wonder if any of you can figure it out. **

**Thanks for reading, Hannah xx**


	3. Waxing Lyrical

**So heres the next chapter! thanks so much for the reviews guys, they brightened up a bad day for me. I want to thank HistoryintheMaking in particular for one of the ideas that I used in here and i do plan to use the others later on in the story. So if anyone else has any suggestions feel free to let me know. I have a poll up on my profile and i would really appreciate if you could vote for who you want to win! I just can't make up my mind. This chapter is a little filler-ish but hope it'll make you giggle anyway.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything :)**

Waxing Lyrical

**BPOV**

I strolled towards Edward, reveling in the feeling of power. Rosalie joined me; we had made Jasper and Carlisle stay back for this bit. Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

"Oh Jasperrr!" I sang, ready to put the next part of my plan into action.

Silence.

"Jasper!" Rosalie hissed, we were beginning to look a little silly just stood there doing nothing. Edward slowly started to lower his makeshift cross and I saw Emmett's face visibly relax. Oh no…

I whipped my head round to where Jasper had been sat, he was gone. Jasper and Carlisle were gone. I almost didn't want to look back at Edward, but I couldn't help it. A slow smile spread across his face, Emmett's was plastered with a goofy grin.

"Oh no…" I whimpered, looking at Rosalie.

"Awww, crap!" She whispered back.

**JPOV**

Drip.

Splash.

Drip.

Drip.

Splash

I sighed staring into the blackness of the blindfold that covered my eyes and wriggled a little to get more comfortable on the steel table that I was strapped to. I tugged feebly at the padlock and chain around my chest, I could have escaped if I wanted to, but that would mean facing _them_.

Drip.

Ok, the incessant dripping was getting irksome.

Drip.

Another drop hit my forehead with a splash.

Drip.

"For goodness sake Alice, surely we have established by now that Chinese Water Torture is not going to make us go insane!" I heard Carlisle voicing my thoughts; I could tell that he was next to me, regardless of the blindfold, because I could literally feel the annoyance emanating from that direction.

For the past twenty minutes I had been padlocked to this steel table next to my vampire father, blindfolded, while the love of the life and my mother shopped for torture devices.

"Ooooh, how about that one!" Alice squealed.

"I think I preferred the last one. That looked fun!"

I heard the pages of the catalogue turn again.

Drip.

Splash

"Esme!" I snapped

"Fine"

My blindfold was ripped off and a sudden light accosted my eyes. My charming mother was stood over me, a dropping pipette of water aimed at my forehead in one hand, an industrial sized torched aimed at my eyes in the other. Looking over at Carlisle on the table next to me, I found him to be in a similar position. We were in a tiny, windowless room with thick concrete walls, a neon strip light flickered overhead, where on earth they had found this place I had no idea. I couldn't believe I had fallen into their trap. I had been so consumed with pummeling my brothers with emotion that I hadn't notice my beautiful pixie creep up on me and throw me over her shoulder. It had been…disconcerting to say the least. I still wasn't exactly sure how Esme had gotten Carlisle; I would have to get that on out of him later.

Alice skipped over towards me, swapping places with Esme.

"You look so cute when you're wet" She laughed, tapping my damp forehead. She clambered gracefully onto the table and sat on my legs. She flipped through a few more pages of a catalogue that looked frightening, to say the least, and whipped her cell phone out of her pocket.

"Hello! This is Alice Cullen again."

_Hey Alice, did you force it out of 'em yet? _The raspy voice of a middle-aged woman sounded back

"Nuh-uh. I thought I'd call to enquire about a certain…item of page 136" My wife asked sweetly.

_Wow you girls are evil!_ A high pitched cackle came back

"All in a days work Helga! Now I have to ask, does it come in pink"

Oh God, what were they going to do to us?!

"Just put it on the account Helga! Pleasure doing business with you as always!"

There was a moment of silence. Alice and Esme radiated excitement and amusement. Carlisle and I however were emitting pure unadulterated fear.

"Alice" Carlisle began slowly "Why do you have a personal account and appear to be on first name terms with…some form of…_torture_ supplies….company thing!?

"Actually, the personal account is mine" Esme chimed in "They're very good"

"So" I said, "What are you going to do to us?" I attempted nonchalance but my voice cracked a little at the end.

"Nothing…If you have changed your mind that is. Are you ready to spill?"

For a moment I considered it but luckily Carlisle was a stronger man than I.

"No" He said coolly.

"Right then!" Alice jumped off my legs and started rolling up my pant legs. My eyes went wide with shock as I realized that Esme was doing the same to Carlisle.

"We hef ways off mehking you tolk" Esme said in a thick accent

"What are you doing?"

"Getting creative" Alice muttered.

I heard what sounded like a microwave oven ping in the background.

"Esme!" Carlisle pleaded, wanting to know what was going on.

"Ah! That'll be the wax!"

**BPOV**

In one swift movement Emmett grabbed Rosalie by the arms and Edward did he same with her legs. Before I could blink, they were gone.

_Oh so the pathetical little human wasn't even worth bothering about!_ I thought angrily. I would show them.

Turning on my heel I walked into a wall. A cold marble wall.

"Miss me?" Edward smirked

"No" I lied

"Liar"

I poked him with a toothbrush. It hurt my hand.

"So that was an interesting little stunt you pulled back there. I suppose you're a better actress than I gave you credit for." I smiled, happy that I had fooled him. "I mean it was a little obvious that you weren't in any actual danger, but I thought I had better check, just in case" My smile slipped. He still thought he was going easy on me!

I opened my mouth to say something but then thought better of it and started to walk back the way that I had come.

"Come back Bella"

"No"

"Please?"

"Dammit."

I spun back round to face him and he grinned at me, running a hand through his hair. Suddenly, an awful thought occurred to me. If I had walked into Edward, Emmett had picked up Rosalie and Alice and Esme had captured Jasper and Carlisle, didn't that mean…

"Ahh, Edward are we out?"

"No" He said his jaw clenching a little. "We had to restart the game a couple of minutes ago. Alice cheated, as she does every year." I looked at him quizzically "You remember the house rules? Well each team does have 100 000 to spend but Alice is not allowed to go shopping remember? Well I have reason to believe she is purchasing pink fluffy torture devices as we speak"

I breathed a sigh of relief, happy that we were still in the game and Edward raised his eyebrows at me.

"Let me get this right, you are not worried that you are playing a highly dangerous game with a vampire who may or may not be planning to torture you, you are in fact relieved that you are still in said game?"

"I'd say that's pretty accurate"

If the game was still going on, I had to find a way to get away from him. I didn't stand a chance running, but I wasn't going to give up without a fight. I spun back around and sprinted back down the aisle, hearing an exasperated sigh from behind me. Sliding round the corner I headed for the household department, keeping my eyes on my feet willing them not to trip now. Why wasn't he chasing me? I grinned, I was little surprised but very proud of myself. I carried on running; my legs were going numb as I ran towards my goal, the bright green exit sign. It looked like the gates of heaven, one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. All I had to do when I got outside was find the others. Only meters away now. I reached out to grasp the door handle and yelped. My feet suddenly flew over my headed I fell forward, missing the door by inches. My head swooped down and I was being held inches above the ground upside down. I felt the back of my knees make contact with something hard and my head swung upwards till I was perched on the object. Apparently, Edward had swung me in a full somersault by my feet onto his shoulders.

"Idiot" I growled, affectionately of course. He was walking us back to the household department even slower than human speed. But this didn't stop me pummeling him with my fists, grabbing at his hair and kicking him as hard as I could in the stomach.

"Put me down! Or else!"

"Or else what?

I kicked him in the stomach again as hard as could, trying to ignore the pain coursing through my foot.

"If I say ouch will you stop hurting yourself?"

Deciding to ignore that comment, I looked around to see where we were. We were surrounded by those fake beds that they model sheets, comforters and such on. That was…odd. Edward lowered me onto a double bed with a grin.

"What on earth-?"

"You just stay there little lady" He said with a smirk.

"What!? You expect me to just sit here and wait for you to go goodness knows where and do who knows what"

"No, I expect you to be extremely irritating and awkward as usual and kick up a fuss. You know I love you for it but I'm not going to let that happen"

I stood up with a huff, this was getting a little repetitive.

"So that's how its going to be is it?" His beautiful face was just inches from mine. I could only nod. He gave a small shrug and his topaz eyes danced with a smile. I opened my mouth to ask what he meant but before I knew what was happening, his lips crashed into mine. Oh. I couldn't remember my name; never mind what I was supposed to be doing. He was pushing me back firmly towards the bed and pushing some of his precious boundaries at the same time. I lifted my hand up to tangle it in his hair but he grabbed my wrist and pulled it back down again. That was strange, of all the things he should be objecting to now I wouldn't have expected that one.

Click, click.

I froze and felt him smirk against my lips.

"Please tell me didn't just…" I jerked away from him looking down at my wrist. Sure enough, just I had expected, he had handcuffed me to the bed post.

"I told you that you would regret making me watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2"

**JPOV **

"Here's the deal, you tell us who came up with the plan and no one needs to get hurt. If, however, you continue being so stubborn you will be hairless as a Frisbee. **(A/N I know its random but it was the first thing that popped into my head!) **So you spill now, or end up with the legs of a "Venus Girl" for the rest of eternity. We'll be starting at the feet and working up so I don't think even a vampire can pull off no eyebrows" Esme was enjoying this way too much.

"When you say working up…you don't mean…_everything_…do you?" Carlisle whimpered. _Oh dear lord please say no!_ I mentally screamed. Alice grinned and nodded slowly. If it was possible to faint, I would have done so right then.

_Be strong Jasper_, I told myself, _don't give in_.

"Ok Jazz, you first. Did you come up with that little stunt?"

"Why did you need to heat the wax?" I asked trying to change the subject "All you have to do is smooth it on and pull it off"

Well that definitely distracted them.

"How the hell did you know that?!" Carlisle looked at me in shock.

"I…err…read it in Cosmo"

"Jasper, I told you to stay away from my magazines! We had to freeze the wax because I figured that it might freeze to your legs. Now stop trying to change the subject and answer the question" Alice hissed.

"You look so cute when you're angry" I grinned

Rip.

It didn't hurt but I screamed any way, trying to gesticulate at my ankle with my padlocked hands. I would never, ever be able to wear shorts again. I heard another rip and a whimper and realized that Carlisle was having the same predicament.

"Jasper, was it Rosalie?" I squeezed my eyes shut and ignored the question.

Rip.

"Look at the bright side, Jazz. I can give _you_ makeovers now!" That was the _bright_ side?! I loved my wife more than anything but her makeovers were something that I never wanted to experience.

5 minutes and 2 pairs of satiny smooth legs later…

Alice was straddled across my chest, all traces of amusement gone; now there was only determination.

"This is your last chance Hale! Sprag, or lose you the eyebrows for the rest of eternity"

There was no point now. I'd never be able to leave the house again if I lost the eyebrows but at the moment that didn't seem like such a bad thing. Maybe I could go into hiding for a while. Alice's closet was pretty big. I was sure I could barricade myself in there… I looked over to see Carlisle frozen with the same look of horror as me as Esme decended towards him with one last innocent little strip in her hands. His lips wobbled a little as the started to form the letter that I had been dreading.

"B-b-b-b…"

"CARLISLE NO!" I roared. He couldn't give in now. All our efforts would be wasted. A wicked grin spread over Esme's face as she hesitated.

"What did you say honey?" She asked sweetly.

"…Bella…" He whispered shooting me an apologetic glance, I would have hung my head in my hands if I were not still shackled to a table.

"I don't think I quite heard you there Carlisle!" Alice sang, hopping off me. Of course she had heard.

"Nothing" Carlisle said quickly, full of remorse. Alice sighed and picked up the wax. "BELLA!! IT WAS BELLA! SHE CAME UP WITH THE WHOLE THING! PLEASE ALICE NOT THE EYEBROWS, ANYTHING BUT THE EYEBROWS!"

But Alice's reply was cut short as the door was suddenly blown off its hinges…

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**So there you go! Hope you liked it. By the way, i don't know if you guys have the word "sprag" in america or if its just british slang. If it is then i'm sorry, its basically the same as "spill". As always I'll give you the name of the next chapter which is... "Hello Beastie" I think it's pretty obvious where the inspiration for that came from :) **

**Time for some more review grovelling! For all you review virgins out there, just give it a go! Sieze the day! Try something new! Live a little!**

**Mini-Rant over and out.**

**Hannah xx**

**P.S. If you do review, I might just post a little sneak peak here on tuesday ;)**


	4. Extra: Emmett and the Queen

**Surprise!**

**Random unexpected update!**

**WARNING THIS IS NOT _TECHNICALLY_ THE NEXT CHAPTER IN THE STORY. I'm sorry for being woefully uninformed of holidays in other countries but i don't know if you guy have a thing called May Day? Well if you don't all it is basically is noone works on the first monday of May. So i got the day off school and it was sunny out so i decided to sit on my trampoline and do some writing. I got a bit of writers block in regards to the next chapter, hence this, the story of why Emmett is banned from streaking and why the queen has a restraining order against him. I mangaged to finish it today because i was off school ill and needed something to take my mind off it. So because of this i'm sorry but this chapter may not be my best. I thought you might like to see it anyway though. Enjoy!**

**Emmett and the queen**

**EmPOV**

London

Later the day of the Spice Girls concert

I drove my Jeep through the ridiculously overcomplicated London streets to go pick up Jasper from the station. I had been the first to volunteer to go; naturally, I was never going to let this go so why not start having the fun now? I chuckled and began my plans, cardboard cutouts in unexpected places, photo-shopped pictures all over high school, costumes…. I sighed contentedly.

_Ooooh Buckingham Palace! Jasper can wait_… I thought. _Hey, this place looks pretty sweet! _Maybe I could get Esme to buy it and spruce it up a little, I'd always wanted a hot tub… I looked for a parking slot for a while but ended up just throwing my jeep behind some bushes. I could pick it up later.

There was a big column thingy in the middle of the square; on top of it was what looked like some shiny old dude with pigeon crap on his head. I would have to get a statue of me up there! I could change the plaque to say "Emmett the Awesome" or… "Emmett Cullen, bringing sexy back since 1915" At the bottom of the column there were a load of big metal lions. Edward would like that. I walked up to one and growled at it. I didn't get it, it was nowhere near as fun as an irritable grizzly.

"Rawr!" The lion roared back.

"What the-?!"

A little girl's grinning head popped up from behind the lion. She let out a small squeal as she slid of its back sideways and landed on the floor. He big brown eyes stared up at me from beneath a curtain of chocolaty hair as her cheeks flushed bright red. She couldn't have been much older than five.

"Hey, midget!" I joked.

"Bite me!" She scowled. Ironic. I liked this girl already. She had an American accent too so I guessed she was here on vacation.

"I'm Emmett" I grinned shaking her tiny hand carefully.

"I'm Bella, you're big."

"That I am. I live here you know" Well it wasn't a complete lie, I would live here eventually, I just had to talk Esme around. Her eyes narrowed at me, not believing me for a second.

"Oh yeah?" She challenged.

"Yeah!" I retorted

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah"

"Ooooh yeah?"

"Yeeeeaah"

"Go in then"

"I will!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Naked"

"Na- what?!"

Her chin raised a fraction in triumph. Oh no, I was not going to let her win! It was _on. _

"Fine! See that window there?" I pointed to one in the middle at the top "Watch that space, you'll only see me for a second" I thought about it for a second "Can I wear a flag? I don't want to scar you for life" She nodded and I could tell she didn't believe me. She seemed pretty smart for a 5 year old.

I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Jasper.

_Jasper_

_Might be l8 picking u up_

_A little girl dared me 2 streak_

_Twas an offer I couldn't refuse_

_Emmett_

Swinging my legs over the high railings I ran past the guards so fast that they wouldn't be able to see me. I was going to have to get me one of those fuzzy hats. As I ran through a fancy courtyard I found a place that would be a perfect place for a trampoline! I made a mental note to tell Esme later. As I scaled the white building I made sure to peak through all the windows, I needed to know where the best rooms were to call dibs on. Swinging myself up onto the roof I had one last look around. _Not too shabby!_ I thought. Making sure to stay out of sight now that I wasn't moving, I stripped and covered myself with my homemade Cullen family flag; I had always known it would come in handy one day. I loved that flag, it had my face on it, but no-one would let me fly it at home. My phone beeped in my hand.

_Emmett_

_Ur capacity 4 thickness never ceases 2 amaze me_

_Alice saw what u r about 2 do_

_Not everything will go as planned _

_But I'm not going 2 stop u_

_This should be entertaining._

_Edward + Carlisle r clueless._

_Take ur cell and wallet_

_Rosalie _

Wrong?! What could possibly go wrong? Shrugging, I grabbed my wallet and cell and ran over the roof to the window. Dropping down in front of it I paused, long enough to be seen by the little girl, and struck a superman pose. I saw her laugh and clap as she was lead away by her mother and lost in the crowd. Luckily, no one else seemed to have seen me, something made me think that the Volturi would not see the funny side of this. One hand on my flag and the other one the roof, I went to haul myself back up. I didn't move. What?! I'd been able to lift myself with one finger before. Oh crap, it was long enough that even humans would start to notice now. My eyes flicked down, my foot was stuck, and it had slipped down between the window and the drainpipe. I could have got it free but I thought that the humans _might just_ notice a window being ripped out of its frame. I sighed and reached for my phone. Thwack. _Dammit Emmett_, _Think! _I told myself, _don't use the hand you were holding onto the roof with! _I realized that I was referring to myself in the third person, a sure sign of insanity; Alice had warned me this day would come. Currently, I was dangling by my ankle from the top centre window of Buckingham Palace, with only a homemade flag to preserve my modesty. People were definitely starting to notice. Revolving slowly in the air by my ankle I sighed wondering how on earth I was going to get out of this one.

"James, there is a young man dangling outside my window wearing over a flag. The guards ought to know, though do tell them to take their time he is rather dashing." A woman's voice sounded behind me. I pivoted to face the window and found a familiar face gazing back at me. A butler was leaving the room. _I wonder if he comes with the house. _Shocked I reached up and grabbed my wallet for confirmation, now I got why Rosalie told me I needed it. I pulled out a coin and examined it. _Yup, same face. _Not really sure what to do in the situation I attempted a bow which was made a lot harder by the fact that I was upside down. The little grey haired lady smiled back at me, but I had rotated back so I was facing the crowd now. Oh cool there were news crews and everything!!

**EPOV**

I lay on the couch in our hotel room contemplating the events of the day. Emmett had gone to collect Jasper from the police station and the girls had gone out shopping…again, which left Carlisle and me alone in the room. I was still recovering from the concert debacle that afternoon. Just being there had been bad enough, I felt like my eardrums had been molested.

I heard the shower turn off and Carlisle came out of the bathroom still looking a little shaky.

"I feel violated" He whispered.

"I know what you mean"

My cell buzzed and I picked it up to see a text from Emmett.

_Edward_

_I'm having a bit of a… errrr…situation_

_Turn on the news_

_P.S. The Queen thinks I'm Hawttt_

_Emmett_

I banged my head on the coffee table and handed the phone to Carlisle so that he could read the text. He just groaned. I really did not want to turn on the news, but a sort of morbid curiosity forced me to pick up the remote. I was greeted by an image of Emmett, almost completely naked, dangling upside down in front of Buckingham palace.

"…appeared out of nowhere" The newswoman was saying "The exact identity of the streaker is still unknown, though it is clear that he is extremely good-looking…" She trailed off, fanning herself a little. In the background they were showing slow motion footage of Emmett pulling muscle man poses and waving at adoring fans as a crane approached to get him down.

"I'll get the car" Carlisle croaked.

I could only nod. This was going to be a long day.

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**Before you come at me with pitchforks i can explaaaaaaain! I know Bella would have been older than 5 and the she never left she never left the country before New Moon. But I reeeeally wanted to put her in this scene and i needed her to be young enough so she wouldn't remember Emmett. Please don't hate me!  
**

**pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease review! Go oooon make a sick girl happy :) Cyber Edward Cullen shaped cookies for all my reviewers! OK grovelling over.**

**Love to all my review people**

**Hannah**


	5. Hello Beastie

Hello Beastie

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: I own thwack ouch!**

**Me: I own wallop ow!**

**Me: I own-**

**S.M: GRRRR!**

**Me: sigh Fine! I don't own Twilight, Happy?**

**S.M: nods**

**Important:**** Hello All! I know its been a while coming but I'm stuck slap bang in the middle of my GCSE's right now and I just haven't had the time. I've got two mini stories to tell you before you read. :D . The first happened in my English Lit exam yesterday. One of the plays I'm studying is Blood Brothers, which about two twins called Mickey and Edward. Imagine how distracting it is trying to concentrate on exam when you have the name Edward staring you in the face, just inviting you to start daydreaming. And to top it all off, want to know what happened when I had 15 minutes left to finish an Essay? The plot bunnies attacked! Sooo watch out for a new and unusual story popping up on my homepage in the next couple of days. The second story, happened about a week ago when I was halfway through writing this here chapter. I got a review and PM from a user called HistoryInTheMaking who has helped me out with a few ideas before. So this time she very kindly sent me some more. Now here's the freaky part! The ideas she sent me corresponded almost exactly with the half of this chapter that I had already written! **_**How scary is that?!**_** I decided to incorporate in a few of the bits and pieces I hadn't already got because I really liked them. So here's the lesson, people, if you have an ideas for this story **_**tell me! **_**Shout-outs for everyone who does! **

**So this one is for HistoryInTheMaking! May we all bow down to her Edward-esque mind reading abilities. XD**

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Hello Beastie

**BPOV**

_Damn, this bed is heavy! _I thought as I dragged it screeching down the aisle. I trudged along at a snail's pace pulling the heavy frame with my handcuffed wrist. Edward had left me to find Emmett and I'm sure he knew exactly what I was doing but there was no way that was going to stop me. Suddenly, there was a crackling noise in my ear. I still had my earpiece in! I halted on the spot.

"Bella!" A voice crackled.

"Rosalie!?"

"I'm here Bella. Edward's coming back in second. I need you to distract him. And do it well Bella, this is important!"

"Why-"

"Just do it Bella" Interrupting me in the style of a Nike commercial. I sighed and racked my brains; I couldn't let the team down now. But before I had time to formulate one of my master plans I was lifted gently and put down on the soft bed. I was going to have to wing it this time, but that was a little difficult with Edward's bronze-haired head grinning down at me.

"You're just too darn pretty" I grumbled, thinking aloud.

"Ummm, thank you, I guess…?" He was pretending to look at me like I was crazy but I could see the smugness in his eyes. What followed next was the closest to an awkward silence that I have ever experienced with Edward. I sat twiddling my thumbs and looking anywhere but him as he smirked down at me. He knew.

"Sooo…" I began.

"So"

"What do you want to do?"

"What would _you_ like to do? I'll leave it to you"

"Hurry up!" Rosalie hissed in my ear. Edward chuckled for no apparent reason and Rosalie cursed.

"Uhh…well….we could…umm…what I mean is…ahh…" I had a plan now. It was pitiful. But it was a plan. "Sooo, you're Edward…" I said lowering my lids in a way that I hoped made me look alluring but probably just made me look retarded.

"Perceptive as always" He smirked.

"I'm Bella…" I said huskily.

He raised his eyebrows and nodded.

"That means together we're… Bedward" I trailed off, pouting my lips a little, patting the bed and feeling like an idiot. He stared at me for a moment then burst out laughing. I could hear Rosalie and Emmett in hysterics through the earpiece. Way to boost a girl's self-esteem. Scowling, I flopped down on the bed. Well, if that was how he was going to play it, I was going to have to stop playing nice. I didn't want to resort to this but I was left with no choice. That fact did not stop me feeling immensely guilty though. With a sigh I closed my eyes and gathered all my concentration. With all the acting I had to do tonight it deserved to be an Oscar winner. Rose worked out what I was doing and whispered instructions in my ear so softly that I struggled to hear them.

Gradually, I slowed my breathing, taking deep breaths in as large gaps as possible. I heard the bed shift as Edward leaned over to watch me. Believe me this did not make it any easier. Edward had watched me sleep so many times that the smallest mistake would give me away. As Rosalie instructed, I let my eyelids flutter lightly to make it look like I was dreaming.

"Keep it up Bella he's buying it, I can tell!"

I let myself toss a little and kept my lids fluttering. Now for the hard part.

"My magic markers…toast…no, not that one…stupid pretty boy…" I sighed. Apparently this was the sort of gibberish that I spouted when sleep talking. I heard Edward chuckle softly.

"…NO!..." I twisted awkwardly in my fake sleep. "No Edward… come back… don't go…come back…he's gone…gone…I'm…broken…" I don't think I ever felt so guilty as when he started stroking my hair and whispering comforting words. I could hear the pain in his voice.

"I'm coming Bella!"

I let my eyes flicker open with a sigh and found myself staring back into Edward's topaz ones. A dart of shock flew through my stomach as I saw Rosalie towering behind him looking triumphant and hold a gagged Emmett in a headlock. Edward was completely unaware.

"I'm so sorry" I whispered. Confusion registered in Edward's eyes as Rosalie rolled hers behind him. With a grin, she leaned down and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hello Beastie" She said sweetly.

**

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******

EPOV

At this moment in time, I was having a bit of a predicament. What with being strapped with my brother onto a bed, with my fiancé stood on my chest brandishing a paintball gun, wearing a SWAT outfit, and all. That's right, a SWAT outfit, I don't know in where on earth they found them but that's what Bella and Rosalie were wearing. If you are wondering why I wasn't struggling to get free at this moment, it was because I physically couldn't move. Care to find out why? I'll tell you. Because when I turned round after being propositioned and then almost worried to death by Bella to see Rosalie stood behind me, she just about castrated me. Personally, I don't see the amusing side of being kicked in… well lets just say even if I had been able to have children before, there was no doubt about it now.

_Dude, they're gonna kill us! _Emmett thought at me

I sighed and hit my temple with my forefinger, using the universal signal for "Uh, duh!"

Bella narrowed her eyes at me and cocked the paintball gun a little; I knew she hated it when we had these unvoiced conversations.

_Hey Eddie! _I glared at Emmett. _Seriously, you're good at the flowery mumbo jumbo crap, give me something to sweet talk Rose! _

I hated to admit it but "the flowery mumbo jumbo crap", as her so eloquently put it, was just what we needed.

"Bella" I whispered as smoothly as I could. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Bella, my love" I let my eyelids droop a little and gazed at her intensely, remembering how she had once said that this "dazzled" her.

"Oh no!" She gasped and dived at Rosalie. She squeezed her eyes tight and clamped her hands of her ears, shouting as loud as she could "LALALALALALA!"

_Well that went well _Emmett thought sarcastically.

"Trust me; it went better than you think." I whispered so that only he could hear.

_Seriously, Ed, give me a hand_

I smirked and whispered a few lines of Shakespeare to him. It wasn't earth shattering but it would do.

_Really, chicks dig that? _He asked bemused and I shrugged.

"WOULD NOT A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME SMELL LIKE FEET?!" Emmett boomed extravagantly in an English accent. Well that stopped Bella in her tracks. Rosalie's jaw almost hit the flaw. Emmett was grinning, still not realizing that he had not said it correctly and my Bella was giving him a look which wouldn't have looked out of place if she'd snapped her fingers in a Z formation and said "Oh no she did-dnt!".

"What?" Emmett asked, looking a little confused now.

"Smooth Emmett," I said sarcastically "Real smooth."

"Was that not what I was supposed to say?"

"You. Just. Told. Your. Wife. She. Smells. Like. Feet." Bella enunciated each word at him.

"Ah"

"Speaking of Rose, where is she?" I asked, realizing that she had disappeared. I detested this ridiculous rule stopping me from reading the other teams thoughts. Bella pointed to the mother and baby aisle, a place where I definitely wouldn't expect to find Rose. I looked over to see her hacking away at a stroller with a crow bar. Armed with 4 stroller wheels and a chassis from God only knows where, she stalked back towards the bed and slid under it. I had a terrible feeling that I knew exactly where this was going. In a matter of seconds she was back out again, looking triumphant. Bella, who could see exactly what had happened from where she was standing on the bed, had a wide, mischievous grin on her face.

"Better hold on tight there, Spidermonkey!" She called to me.

"Spidermonkey?" I questioned, raising and eyebrow.

"Yeah, it's a new thing I'm trying out" She smiled and then squeaked in surprise as Rosalie lifted her backwards off the bed. I felt my heart tug as she moved away from me.

Suddenly, the bed spun and all I could see was a swirl of colour. All I could hear was Emmett screaming like a girl, as usual… It _was_ exactly what I had thought. Rosalie had attached wheel to the bed. It shuddered to an abrupt halt and I saw Bella and Rosalie perched on the end of the frame.

"So how bout it Bella? What do you say to us taking our boys for a ride" Before she had chance to answer, Rosalie kicked off with a stiletto-ed foot and we were propelled down the aisle. We jerked around corners and ricocheted through the store at an exhilarating pace. I could hear Bella's thundering heartbeat as if it were my own and I knew that we would have to stop soon. However, a scream other than hers or Emmett's rent through the air.

"NOOO! NOT THE EYEBROWS! ANYTHING BUT THE EYEBROWS!" But that sounded like…

"Carlisle?!" Rosalie hissed pulling us to a halt. We all paused in shock, when suddenly…

"BELLAAA!" My head almost ripped out of its socket as we all spun to look at the direction the scream had come from. Down a small flight of stairs there was a pair of double doors labeled "Staff Lounge". We all spun back to look at Bella. She looked amazingly confident as she clambered back on to my chest, standing up and spread her legs shoulder width apart. She was so beautiful. The sound of her pounding heart gave away her nerves as she slowly lifted the paintball gun and locked her hands on the trigger. I clamped my hands on her shins knowing exactly what would happen if she was allowed to "bed surf" unaided. Narrowing her eyes slightly she crouched in a feral position. I was amazed that she could have passed for one of us.

"You know what to do Rosalie" She growled. And with that we went flying down the stairs and crashed through the doors…

**

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So there you have it! Oh by the there's on my poll for this story that a friend suggested to me, so go vote!! Waaaaaaaaaait!! You have to review first :D Reviews make me write and cheer me at this really, really stressful time (Final Physics exam soon bites nails) Love you all! I'll post the next chapter title here when I know it…

**Hannah xx**


	6. Emmett does the Matrix

**I know...you hate me... :(**

**I'm sooooooo sorry, i know it's been ages but I've been really busy. I got a new laptop too, which i couldn't get on the internet with until the last few days so I apologize if i haven't replied to your reviews it probably means i haven't been able to read it. I'd like to thank anyone who left me ideas though, I'm sure I'll use them at some point.**

**Guess what! My fic was linked to on !! I was casually reading one of the countdown profiles when i got this persons fave fics. Intrigued, i clicked on the link and Lo and behold I was brought to this story! A lot of dancing and screaming ensued... :P So if that person is reading : Thank you!!**

**This is only a mini chapter but i didn't have chance to write much. Plus, I'm going to Majorca on my hols tomorrow, so I thought you guys deserved some sort of update...**

**Disclaimer: Not mine!**

**Here we go!**

* * *

We flew through the doors at an astonishing speed. Wooden splinters flew everywhere as it exploded with an almighty crack. Rosalie's hand was stretched in front of my face, protecting me from the flying debris.

In the split second during which we flew through the air, I felt an incomprehensible surge of appreciation for my soon to be sister in law. Though we did not always see eye to eye, I could tell she was making an effort not to hate me, and I loved her all the more for it. She truly felt like a sister to me now...

"Bella! Stop acting like a retarded human and start shooting at them!" She screeched as the bed swung to a halt.

Aaaand the fuzzy affectionate feeling was gone...

I swung into action, firing rounds of paintballs at a bewildered Alice and Esme. I tried to apologize as I shot at them because I knew that Alice would probably kill me for ruining their outfits.

"Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry!!" I shouted.

"I am going to murder you, bite you and then kill you all over again!!" She yelled back.

The room was filled with explosions of sound and colour. In my peripheral vision I saw two blonde blurs ripping themselves from a metal table. Edward's hands had been long gone from my shins I saw that he was now stood with Alice and Esme.

I shot at them relentlessly but not one single paint bullet seemed to hit any of them. It looked as if my missiles were passing straight through them.

With a groan I remembered that I had seen this before when Alice fought Jasper while they learnt about newborns. I pivoted towards Emmett who had been stood there laughing at me and shot a stream of paintballs at him.

I couldn't help but gape with shock and awe when he bent backwards in a perfect arch, arms flailing to the sides as he dodged the bullets. Emmett does the Matrix. Nice.

"STOOOOOOOOOOOP!"

Each team was now at opposite sides of he cramped room glaring at each other while Carlisle stood on one of the metal tables looking as flustered as I had ever seen him.

"Everybody...just calm down." He said as he angled himself towards the other team so that his back was to us. His hand crept up behind his back suspiciously and he help up 3 fingers at us. "In my opinion-" 2 fingers... "what we should do is-" 1 finger...

Carlisle never finished the sentence. As soon as the last fingered disappeared I felt Rosalie and Jasper latch onto my arms and we shot out of the shattered door. Carlisle hot on our heels. I heard enraged shouts from behind me but instinctively I knew that they would not follow.

* * *

"So what now?" I asked. We were sat in a leafy green park about 50 miles from the supermarket trying to recuperate and come up with new tactics.

"We follow them this time" Rosalie said confidently.

"But we don't have any idea where they've gone" Jasper cried making us all feel unnecessarily frustrated.

We sat in silence for a moment.

"Jasper...theoretically, if someone were to call your phone, would you be able to track it to find where they were?"

"Yes but they would never call us, they're too smart for that"

The beginnings of a plan were forming in my mind.

"I bet I can get them to call" I said smugly "Can you set it up Jasper?"

They all looked at me bemusedly but Jasper pulled out his laptop anyway and set to work.

"Alice will call in a few minutes, I need you to answer to phone and keep her occupied until Jasper tracks them" I said to Rosalie.

"Why me!?" She moaned

"She's your sister!" I said.

"She's your friend!"

"I prefer to think of her less as a friend and more as an ongoing experience" I smirked while the others snickered.

Asking everyone to be quiet, I set my plan into motion. Closing my eyes, I started to think about the wedding. Gradually, I convinced myself, bit by bit, that having a puke green and muddy brown colour scheme was a good idea.

As soon as there was no doubt in my mind that this was going to take place, I opened my eyes again.

We all stared at the phone, willing it to ring.

_RINGRING...RINGRING..._

Yes! I very nearly cheered. I looked at Rosalie, wanting her to answer it and she stared defiantly back at me. I sighed and put the phone on speaker.

"WhatonearthdoyouthinkyouaredoingBellanotonlyistheweddingjustaweekawaysotherewouldbenotimetochangethecolourscheme" Gasp! "butthereisnohopeinagazillionyearsthatyouarewearewearingapukegreentutudowntheaisleand" Gasp! "canyouevenimaginewhatEdwardwouldlooklikeinabrowntweedtux!"Alice squealed.

Carlisle and Rose were biting their fists to keep from laughing.

"Oh I don't know Alice" I sighed with mock nonchalance "I think you could pull off that baggy moth eaten sweater and crusty old jeans. Very 'Shabby Chic'"

I didn't listen to her crazed rant this time but looked to Jasper to see how his tracking was going. He waved his hand in a circular motion to indicate that he just needed a little more time.

"Hey Alice!" I cut off her babbling "I was thinking, for the menu would could have steak and garlic. It would be funny even if half the audience couldn't appreciate the irony"

Off she went again, this time on speil about how we couldn't have "Pub food" just because it was funny.

I bit my lip to keep from laughing but felt Jasper's cool hand on my shoulder. I turned round and his eyes danced as he gave me a thumbs up.

I was about to say goodbye to Alice when I heard a voice in the background on her end.

"Alice? What are you doing? Who the hell are you-"

It was Emmett.

I hung up.

"We got them!" Jasper sang.

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's go!" I urged.

"I think there's one last thing we should do first" A smirking Rosalie said.

"What's that?"

"Call for reinforcements"

* * *

**Not my best work, I know but better than nothing...**

**My next update will be after Breaking dawn which we don't get over here until the 6th. Therefore I'll be be boycotting the computer from the second onwards and I'll be abroad from now until then anyway.**

**Reviews are love Gives an Alice-esque pout**

**Hannah xx**


	7. Lederhosen

**Hey guys!**

**I'm alive!!! And so, so, so sorry! I've been so busy since my last update with boycotting the internet, starting a new school year, exams, christmas, new years, homework, family birthdays.... to name but a few that i've barely had time to think, never mind write! But I'm sure you don't want to hear all this so I'll just tell you that this is the penultimate chapter of the story, so we're nearly there people! I promise to have the next chapter up in two weeks tops, though I highly doubt it will take me that long. After that I'm planning to write the guide of where the Cullens are and aren't allowed to go (and the stories behind them) that Alice gave to Bella. So that'll be the next couple' o chapters if you want me to write it. **

**I would like to thank N-Beg for inspiration for this chapter. She is my legendary "real-life" friend!**

**Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine *sigh***

**P.S. I know the first sentence is random but it's something I said the other day and N-Beg said that it would be cool is Dr.C was random every now and again. You'll see that I took that idea and ran a frikkin marathon with it! :P**

**On with it!**

* * *

**CPOV**

_One of my socks is above my knee, the other is below... I like it! Focus Carlisle!..._ I thought.

As soon as the word reinforcements passed Rosalie's lips Jasper was shaking his head vehemently.

"Absolutely not!"

"We need all the help we can get" Rosalie hissed "You know Emmett is in his element where they are! I swear this happens every year, he knows that place like the back of his hand. How could a couple more people hurt?"

I knew that Rose intended to call on our friends in Denali. However, I could see the reason for Jasper's hesitance. Tanya's preference for Edward had never been a secret among our families and had never been a serious issue either.

It wasn't that we were expecting Tanya to react uncivilly towards Bella but now was probably not the best time to test the waters.

"Jasper's right, Rosalie, now is not the most appropriate time for introductions" I said calmly

Rosalie huffed but did not dispute my decision. Unfortunately, I could also see her side of the argument because Emmett was near unstoppable when he went to the place that his team was now.

"So where are they?" Bella piped up. "How bad is it exactly?"

"I'm sorry Bella" I said solemnly "Emmett has taken them to Disneyworld"

* * *

"Welcome to the Magic Kingdom!" Rosalie sighed sardonically as we ghosted through the garish gates. Everything was eerily silent, the only noise was Bella's quickening heartbeat as she took in the unsettling peace of the theme park.

"There's something creepy about Mickey Mouse at night-time" She whispered in a quivering tone "I'm sure it's eyes are following me!" She jumped a foot in the air when Jasper ran to her side, too quick for her eyes to register.

"They've laid false trails all over the park, even spanning over to Universal Studios in place's. I'm sure they're still here now but I wouldn't be surprised if they crossed over later." He pulled out the booklet of places my family had been banned from out of Bella's backpack. "I have a feeling I know exactly where they'll be and so help me I hope I'm right"

He flicked through the pad his eyes scanning the pages before grinning euphorically at me. Even Rosalie stated laughing softly.

I had been hoping it wouldn't come to this but clearly Emmett had not forgotten what year it was as I had prayed.

"What's going on?" Bella asked "What's wrong?"

"When we were here five years ago, Rosalie and Emmet decided that the kingdom needed a little more magic putting in it" I said grimacing and trying to tell her a subtly as possiblewhilst maintaining a clam demeanor. But my words were only met with a confused stare.

"They spread a little happiness though the land" Jasper said grinning in anticipation. Bella's nose crinkled and she bit her lip as she thought.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and smugly stated "It may be a small world after all but Emmett decided to show that not everything is so little"

"Gah!" Bella cried "that's... wrong on so many levels!" I'm pretty sure that even her toes were blushing at this point.

"Anyway after our little sexcapade these spoil-sports decided that we had to boycott that particular ride for the next half a decade. This year, the boycott his void and we're allowed back" Rosalie finished.

"And of course Emmett has suggested that they take full advantage of that. So we know what we'll all be singing for the next few weeks" I said. "So what do we do? Surround them and wait for them to come out, or charge in and face the torture?" Every fibre of my being wished for the former.

"Torture sounds bad..." Bella whimpered. My mind flitted back to mine and Jasper's waxing experience then passed to what was inevitably to come. I silently but vehemently agreed. Yes, torture is very bad.

"I mean emotional torture-For Carlisle." Said Jasper "I trust you have not visited Disney World before? Well,the ride that Alice, Emmett, Esme and Edward are waiting in is excruciatingly cheerful and affects Carlisle in...strange ways. We have no idea why. It's relatively pleasant for the rest of us but Emmett,Edward and I always make sure to keep the security tape to be resurrected as blackmail material against him should they need it. I dare-say you'll find it entertaining, Bella"

I threw him a baleful look as he smiled unapologetically back at me.

And so we set off towards my own personal hell.

* * *

**BPOV**

The next thing I knew I was being bundled into a brightly coloured boat as Rosalie produced a crowbar for who knows where and cracked open the door to a control room.

Jasper was sitting next to me smirking maniacally and emitting anticipation in every direction.

Only Carlisle seemed unaffected as he sat in the back of the boat, hunched, brooding and looking more like a vampire than i had ever seen him. There was a rush of sound and light as the ride whirred to life.

The next thing I knew the boat lurched forward and bobbed as Rosalie settled herself next to Carlisle and slung an arm round his neck. "I'm going to channel my inner Emmett here and say Cheer up Daddy C! It's not like you have to live with the shame for the rest of eternity...is it? Hmm?"

I watched as the gigantic pair of double doors in front of us swung open. The boat slowly moved forward through a gigantic room full of colourful mechanical people representing various countries of the world.

An annoyingly catchy song blared through the speakers as the mechanical people moved in time with it. I had never seen so much glitter in my life!

_"It's a world of laughter  
A world of tears  
It's a world of hopes  
And a world of fears  
There's so much that we share  
That it's time we're aware  
It's a small world after all" _

We passed a snowy tundra with frantically twirling inuits...a rainforest... a london bus where four beefeaters were bobbing up and down repeatedly in the windows...a swiss yodeller...wait!

My eyes snapped back to four beefeaters. There in red uniforms and tall, furry, black hats were Emmett, Alice, Esme and Edward.

The first three all bobbed up and down jovially whilst the latter looked extremely disgruntled as he bounced, glaring at everything in sight.

Nothing in the world could have stopped me laughing at that moment. Jasper and Rose spotted them half a second before I did and so were already laughing when I joined in.

The other team stopped their bobbing when they saw that we had spotted them and leapt into feral crouches. Emmett's face was like thunder, clearly hoping not to be spotted.

_"There is just one moon  
And one golden sun  
And a smile means  
Friendship to ev'ryone  
Though the mountains divide  
And the oceans are wide  
It's a small world after all"  
_

My heartbeat sped as they stalked after our boat, we had passed the bus by then and were moving through a replication of the scottish highlands. I gulped audibly and leaned to whisper in Jasper's ear "If we manage to win this thing I'll have a baby by my vampire husband and name it after the Loch Ness Monster"

"I'll hold you to that" He laughed and then stopped abruptly. The anticipation in his eyes had increased tenfold and I found myself unbearably excited for no particular reason. "Look at Carlisle!"

I turned to do as he said and saw that the other team had frozen and done the same.

The grin on Carlisle's angelic face was the biggest that I had ever seen. He looked even less human than natural and as I squinted closely I realized that he was literally _vibrating_ with happiness.

I wondered whether, after all this time, Carlisle's tawny eyes had masked a mad-man.

My eyes widened in shock as the speed at which he vibrated increased. _Is it possible for vampires to explode?_

And then...

He was gone.

Silence...

Suddenly-

"It's a small world after all!" Carlisle's deep baritone boomed from above my head and I almost broke my neck with the speed at which I looked up. Carlisle Cullen - the responsible, compassionate, level headed vampire that had saved my life on numerous occasions-was swinging above my head on mock jungle vines... Wearing nothing but a leopard-print loincloth.

"It's a small world after all!" Carlisle Cullen - world class surgeon and-better than a movie star good looks - was dancing Bollywood style in a miniature Taj Mahal.

"It's a small world after all!  
It's a small, small world!" Carlisle Cullen - son of an Anglican pastor and born in 1640 - was dangling from the blades of a windmill, brandishing a wide selection of cheeses...Wearing lederhosen.

_My life is now complete._

_

* * *

_

**So.... what's the verdict? Good? Bad? Horrendous? (- Thats a cool word :D ) Please review and let me know! Or PM me for any reason, because I love meeting new people.**

**Also, just a quick note to say that I loved both Breaking Dawn and the Twilight movie. **

**Obviously, they both had their faults but I was really pleased with both of them. Even though, BD was pretty far-fetched I also thought it was by far the funniest in the series and you can tell how much I love that!**

**I've put up a link to the new Twilight Fanfic awards, The "Eddies" and "Bellies" on my profile because they have some pretty awesome categories ("Best Use of an Inanimate Object" anyone?) and I spent literally like half an hour hunting down and nominating all my favourite fics. So go support them!**

**There's also a link to a youtube vid of the "It's a small world after all" ride on there if anyone wants to go check that out... XD**

**Ummm.... I think thats everything so all thats left to say is see you in roughly a week. And I actually mean it this time!**

**Hannah xx**

**P.S. In case you didn't catch it, I'm really sorry...**

**P.P.S. Sorry... **


	8. Ruth? Streuth!

_**A/N: I know, I'm terrible updater and all-round horrible person. I lied. If it's any consolation, I did intend to update within two weeks last, I just failed.**_

_**Its the final chapteeeeeeer! Doo doo doo doooooo didi doo di doooooo (sung to the tune of The Final Coundown) **_

Disclaimer: Not mine!

_**Hope you enjoy it - LETS ROLL!**_

* * *

**BPOV**

In a sudden moment of clarity I remembered that, though my life was now complete, the game was not. At this moment, three quarters of our team were physically surrounded by our enemy and the other member was completely intoxicated by the joy of the magic kingdom; not an ideal situation by anyone's standards! Now I just had to figure out how on earth we were going to get out of this one. Alerting my team-mates to our predicament without drawing attention would be tricky, but dealing with Carlisle seemed downright impossible.

I had limited time too, I highly doubted that I, the slow human, was the first person to notice the situation at hand. As my mind raced, searching for the solution, I lost all consciousness of my surroundings.

And then I had it! The perfect way to-.... huh?

I was alone. My eyes had refocused and I was completely and utterly alone. The small boat I sat in had stopped completely and become entrenched in its place.

I cast my eyes around the vibrant passage way looking for any signs of life. Or should I say death seeing as they're vampires? Though that would sound a little macabre.

Suddenly I was plunged into darkness. Gears groaned as the mechanical landscape screeched to a halt. The music cut off with a crackle. Ok, so now I was sitting in a boat in complete darkness and silence. Absolutely fantastic.

"Hello?" I called quietly. My voice shook but I knew that if they were anywhere nearby they would be able to hear me. "Edward? Carlisle? Anybody? This isn't funny guys..."

Nothing.

I shuffled in my seat a little, feeling intensely vulnerable from my lack of sight. I couldn't believe that Edward would just leave me alone like this. I mean, I knew he was competitive but this was just taking it to another level!

"Edward I swear to God if you don't back here right now I'll-" You'll what, Bella? I thought scathingly. Stomp your foot? Cry? I was 18 years old, I should have been fully capable of sitting in a darkened room by myself!

I should have been... but I wasn't. I couldn't even see my own hand in front of my face, all I could hear was the occasional drip of water and I was starting to get really, really scared.

I felt my hand start to shake slightly on my lap.

Ok Bella, let's think this through, I told myself. You can't actually move anywhere due to the lack of sight combined with the body of water surrounding you, so the best thing to do is probably just to sit tight. This is probably my team's idea too, I thought bitterly. Petrify the feeble, little human so we can start playing properly.

When a pipe moaned suddenly, I jumped a foot out of my seat and whimpered. Staycalmstaycalmstaycalmstaycalmstaycalm.... I chanted hysterically in my head.

Out of nowhere, I remembered an old incident with Renee. I had been in my early teen years and she had just started seeing Phil. Renee had decided that it would be the perfect "bonding" experience for herself, Phil and I to spend a day at our local water-park - "Atlantis". My mother, being the free spirit that she was, took every ride she encountered as a personal challenge. Phil and I watched with amusement as she happily flittered around, drawing way more enjoyment from it than was appropriate for a grown woman, especially when her young daughter was completely indifferent.

When the day was drawing to a close, Renee insisted that there was one final flume that she need to conquer - "The Black Hole" the biggest ride in the park and generally labeled as emotionally scarring. To Renee it was her Holy Grail.

It was a huge black tube that wound down the hillside at an alarming gradient, with even steeper dips scattered randomly. Water shot from the end at amazing speeds.

Both Phil and I tried to persuade her not go through with it, ironically that is what we bonded over. But when did Renee ever listen to us? So we waited for her, half anxious, half amused, at the bottom of the flume.

Two minutes later, a strange keening came from the bottom of the tube. Phil and I looked at each other in alarm. It wasn't screaming (it was worse!), but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it actually was.

As the sound came closer it gradually became more distinct, almost more melodic. She was...singing? I hung my head in shame as I realized that dozens of people could, at that moment in time, hear Renee's operatic, warbling rendition of La Traviata as she came down the flume.

Why on earth was she doing that!? Later she told me that she had been so afraid that she had decided to start singing to take her mind off it, why she chose La Traviata, to this day I still don't know.

Don't even think about it, Bella. I told myself, coming back to the present. It won't work, this is Renee we're talking about. I attempted again to look around the pitch black passage and came up with nothing. My hands trembled in my lap. What if they didn't come back before morning? What if they couldn't get back to me for some reason? What if they thought it was funny to just leave me here?

I couldn't believe I was going to do this.

Ok, I wasn't going to do La Traviata, that would definitely send the vampires running. So a happy song? My mind drew a blank. Come on Bella, think, think! Any song!

Only one came to mind.

It wasn't even a song!

Don't do it, Bella, don't do it.

I was going to do it.

Shaking with fear, I scrunched my eyes shut and tried not to think about what I was about to... rap.

I stood slowly

"The space goes down down baby, down down the roller-coaster..." Yes, I was singing the rap from Big. Don't judge me.

"Sweet sweet baby, sweet sweet don't let me go..." I couldn't believe it, Renee's idea was actually working. I could feel my confidence growing as I got more and more into the rap. I recklessly decided to throw in some shoulder shimmys on the next line.

"Shimmy shimmy cocoa pop! Shimmy shimmy rock!"

This was actually really fun!

"I met a girlfriend, a triscuit! She said a triscuit, biscuit! Ice cream soda-pop, vanilla on the top!" I was doing the full on hand movements by this point and had thrown myself completely into it.

"Ooooh Shelley's out. Walking down the street. Ten times a week! I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit! I'm cool! I'm hot! Sack me in the stomach three more times!"

So... yeah. I had actually just done that.

Taking three deep, calming breaths I sank back to my seat.

Someone somewhere in the passage started clapping. Slow, singular, punctuated claps, getting closer and closer to me. My cheeks felt so hot that I was genuinely worried that they were danger of exploding. Someone had witnessed that.

I felt the boat dip a little as someone stepped into it. My heartbeat sped in fear as I realized that another being was in this boat with me and I couldn't see a thing.

"Who's there?" I stammered. No answer came.

One second... two... three... four...

A low chuckle.

"Hey, Emmett" I sighed. Great, he was possibly the worst Cullen to give that sort of bribery material to.

There was silence again and I could picture his grinning face regarding me in the darkness. I attempted to glare at the general area where he was but probably succeeded in giving the stink-eye to a space ten inches to the left of him.

"Soooo..." Emmett sang.

"Just get it over with, Emmett."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" He said innocently.

Breathe in.

Breath out.

"If you are perhaps referring to your little performance" He raised his eyebrows at the irony "back there. I don't know what you are worried about! I mean, sure you could have picked a better rap. Oh maybe a little Baby Got Back!" I could hear the smile in his voice "I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny! When a-"

"Emmett!" I interrupted "I really don't need to hear about your...preferences. Just tell me, are you really going to let this go?" I asked incredulously.

"Absolutely" He grinned, and for some reason that I couldn't fathom, I believed him!

"Wow"

"Yeah, I know, I surprised even myself there."

"This is different" I hedged.

"I'm turning over a new leaf"

"I never thought I'd see this day"

"It's a veritable shock explosion" He said with a flourish.

"Ummm. Yeah."

Neither of us for a moment. Personally, I was commemorating this new development with a moment of reverent silence.

"Of course, it's only because I don't need to. We have it all on tape"

"EMMETT!"

* * *

**EPOV**

"I do not care if you want to win, Alice. We can't just leave her there! What if she injures herself? She has a history of recklessness and I somehow doubt that she suddenly decided to embrace her cautious side."

"We left Emmett with her, she's fine!" Alice flippantly dismissed my comment. She was also stubbornly refusing to look into Bella's future because it would be "breaking the rules" if she did it purposefully. I did not like this at all. Logically, I knew that my brother would let no harm befall Bella, but logic was not always my forte, especially where Bella was concerned.

"Edward, she will be fine, you worry too much" Esme soothed.

I raked my fingers across my face in frustration, this game was getting completely out of hand. I should never have allowed Bella to become involved. What was I thinking?

"If you keep beating yourself up Edward, I'll have to help you" Rosalie commented lightly.

"I don't think you're really in a position to do that, do you?" I smirked down at her, my mood brightened exponentially as I again saw her glowering up from the headlock I had her in. "Just one little twist and...snap!" I stared off into the distance in a mock fantasy.

While Esme held Carlisle in a similar, compromising position, Alice restrained Jasper in a totally different way. She had led Jasper to our current location (the gate to Universal Studios) simply by holding onto her own wrist. As soon as we had cornered the other team in the previous ride, she had happily informed him that if he tried to escape she would snap her own wrist off. Jasper, being able to feel her absolute confidence in this fact, had no choice but to follow her like a lost puppy. I almost pitied him. Almost.

"What I don't understand is why, when you had the ideal opportunity to tag us all back there, you didn't take it." Carlisle spoke for the first time. I had been wondering that myself, but we were, of course, following Alice's lead.

"Too easy," sang Alice "Where would be the fun in that?"

Where indeed.

Out of nowhere I became aware of a noise. It had been there before, only faintly. However, as it grew louder I noticed how completely out of place it was. I watched as the rest of the family bristled at this out of place sound.

"Is that...?" Rosalie began before trailing off in confusion.

"It couldn't be, we always take precautions" Esme said, though her voice held reasonable doubt.

"Maybe it's Bella and Emmett" Carlisle suggested.

I shook my head, that was one thing I was sure about. "I would know if it was Bella."

But still it persisted, the steady thrumming of a human heart. I focussed on the sound, looking for the other that would eventually follow it.

"...it would be like a sitcom, just the three of them. They could have matching pajamas. Dammit, where's my key?..."

And there it was. There was someone at the other side of the park, a human. Female, it would seem from the tone of voice, and middle-aged.

"It's a woman, due north-east. I can't figure out why she's here." My brow furrowed, I did not like being out of the loop.

Jasper was immediately on his feet and in full military mindset. "We should go and check it out," he said.

In my peripheral vision I saw Carlisle nod. I didn't have to read his mind to know that the game was postponed until this was dealt with.

"Emmett," I called, raising my vice only sightly. He would be able to hear me. "We have a situation, bring Bella and meet us outside The Revenge of the Mummy ride"

We convened at the entranceway to the ride and Emmett arrived moments later carrying Bella on his back. As soon as he stopped, Bella slid onto the floor with a thump. I offered my hand to help her up.

"Are you alright?" I asked, examining her closely for any fresh cuts or bruises. I still felt extremely guilty for leaving her like we had done.

Our eyes connected as she nodded weakly and smiled up at me. I leaned down and rested my forehead against hers, this night had been pure insanity, and I would be glad to be alone with her again.

"Don't worry, little brother" Emmett guffawed "Bella was having plenty of fun without you"

I looked at her quizzically as her face rapidly darkened in shade. And than I heard Emmett's mind.

"So?" I stifled laughter "I never knew we had a budding rap-star in the family. What shall your stage name be? Bellinem? The Notorious B.M.S?"

She glowered at me.

"Hate to break up this regular little lovefest but we have a situation to deal with." Jasper said sternly

"Relax, Jasper she poses no threat" I reassured.

He ignored my comment.

Suddenly, there was a gasp from Alice and I watched the vision play out in her mind. Oh, this was going to be fantastic.

* * *

**BPOV**

"Absolutely not!" said Carlisle. Again.

"There are no other options, Carlisle. It's the only way that we can get her to leave before sunrise, time is running short as it is!" Alice snapper, her patience was running thin with Carlisle repeated refusal to go along with her plan. I looked towards the velvet blue sky, there were few hours till sunrise and the game would be over soon.

Carlisle tugged at his hair in agitation and groaned and the remainder of his children stood laughing around him. Poor Carlisle, it was not his night in humiliation terms. However, this was something that I would not miss for the world.

"Why me?!" He whined, sounding extraordinarily like a two year old.

"Oh for goodness sake, Carlisle!" Esme huffed "It's not the end of the world, it's only a little homosexuality!"

That set the laughter going again.

Carlisle actually pouted. "Fine! But don't think that I will enjoy this!"

"Methinks he doth protest too much!" Rosalie sang gleefully. "Maybe you should be worried, Esme"

"Carlizzle ma mizzle" (Emmett, naturally) "It's OK, you know? You should just embrace it, we're all the same here"

Carlisle spluttered for a few seconds before settling for a simple glower.

"She's coming, Carlisle. She'll be just inside the entrance in 30 seconds" Edward said, grinning. "Off you go now!"

Heaving a sigh, he turned and headed down the passage. Naturally, we all followed and hid behind the door, leaving it open slightly to peer through.

I watched Carlisle as he fidgeted nervously in the themed room, waiting for this other human to arrive. Just as Edward had said, only seconds later a long, brown head of hair came around the corner. It appeared that she was dragging something behind her as she went, breathing heavily from exertion. On closer inspection, I realized she was dragging...someone.

For one scary moment, I thought it was a corpse. But no they... it was too thin for that.

I almost laughed out loud when, with a spark of realization, I saw that she was grappling with a cardboard cutout of Brendan Fraser. With one final heave she toppled into the room and landed face down on top of the cardboard man.

"Oh Brendan," she sighed wistfully "this is just how I imagined it would be!"

Clearly, she had not yet noticed Carlisle.

We all waited in silence for her to get up. Seconds passed and she had not moved, apparently she was enjoying the moment.

"Ahem" Carlisle coughed, breaking the silence to draw her attention.

The woman's head shot up and her eyes flew open in shock. Her mouth hung open for a second before, slowly, her eyes slid up Carlisle's body from his shoes to his cornsilk hair.

"Well hello there..." She trailed off in what was intended to be a seductive manner.

I could smell Carlisle's fear.

She stood up, revealing a name tag that read "my name is Ruth".

"How can I..._help_ you?"

"B-B-Brendan!" Carlisle blurted out "You, err, he's mine, mine, Brendan umm, I want him, he's m-mine."

"And the Oscar goes to..." Rosalie whispered sarcastically next to me "He's not even attractive" She scoffed.

"Hey, if I was a chick, I would!" Emmett replied, grinning impishly.

I could see the smile of Ruth's face fall as she realized that Carlisle was "gay".

And then she realized he was after the cutout. Her face was steel.

"You gonna go there, bitch?" She asked, tilting her chin. For some reason Carlisle took this as a personal affront.

"Heck yes I'm going to go there! He is the Jaffa to my Cake! The Milky to my Way. The Hot to my Pocket!"

I felt like I had walked into some warped episode of 90210. Emmett would be snapping his fingers in a z formation and saying "Oh no you di-int!" next!

"I will cut you!" Threatened Ruth. Woah.

Carlisle gave a mock gasp. "Oh I am so scared! The wittle lady wants hurt me, how will I survive?!" He threw the back of his hand to his forehead melodramatically.

"Wrap it up, Carlisle, wrap it up" Alice hissed, apparently afraid that Carlisle was getting too into the role.

Carlisle seemed to disagree with this verdict as he snatched up the cardboard cutout and hugged it to his chest.

"GIVE IT BACK!" screeched Ruth. She grabbed it's feet and tugged viscously. When she discovered it would not give in his grip, she bent down to remove her sneakers and started throwing them at him.

He stood there, unflinching, hugging the Mummy actor to his chest and staring off into the distance dramatically.

After several thwarted attempts along a similar vein, Ruth picked up her shoes and sulked away, leaving Carlisle and his two dimensional friend embracing.

The rest of the Cullens and I piled through the door and stood in front of him. I don't think anyone could have spoke even if they wanted to.

"They can take our lives, but they cannah take mah Brendan" Carlisle informed us sagely in a scottish accent.

Okay.

* * *

We left the ride interior in a collectively shellshocked state and came to halt in a small seating area. It was almost light now, we barely had anytime left.

"We need a way to decide this" Alice stated "There's no way we can play it out before sunrise."

I stifled a yawn, I couldn't remember ever being so tired in my life.

"Llama race" suggested Emmett

Nobody dignified that with an answer.

"Rock, paper, scissors?" I suggested, just wanting to sleep by this point.

"It wouldn't work with Alice and I" Edward explained.

"Race you back to the house?" Alice chimed happily. Oh please say yes, I was going to fall over!

"Deal" Jasper grinned. And yet again I was thrown onto someone's back. Jaspers this time, as Carlisle seemed preoccupied with "his Brendan". It seemed we had come full circle as we shot through the theme-park, faster than my eyes could register.

* * *

I moaned in pleasure I sank back into the bed in Edward's room. Finally, I could sleep! Edward sat brooding by the window, refusing to talk to me.

"You're such a sore loser" I grinned "Can't you take it that you were beaten by a human girl?"

"The game was unfair, since when did hide and seek translate to 'race you home'?"

"Coughsorelosercough"

"Your maturity astounds me, Bella"

I smiled.

"Anyway," he continued "you should make the most of your accusations while you can any talk of anything that happens in the games is banned the rest of the year." He tried to keep his voice level but I could hear the masked glee. Dammit, no rubbing it in then.

I closed my eyes.

"Sleep, my Bella" he whispered as the sun broke over the horizon.

"Oh, I almost forgot..." I mumbled, my voice thick with sleep. "I made a bet with Jasper... You owe me one mutant baby..."

* * *

_**A/N: Hoped you liked it! So there you go, the final chapter. Its been so much fun and you guys have been amazing so Thank you! As I said last chapter I will continue to write extras for this story but I'll post them under a separate story so either subscribe to me as an author or I'll make sure to let you know here when the first one goes up. For all of you asking about a potential sequel to this story, there are... plans in place but they do not only involve myself. Thats all I can really say about that at the moment but, again, I;ll keep you updated.**_

_**I'm recommending another set of awards here in this chapter too. The Indie Twific Awards have just started nominating and the concept of them is fantastic - a kind of Sundance for Fanfic. So go check out their site at www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com Voting closes on Tuesday the 23rd. (If anyone happened to feel like nominating me for Completed Crackfic I would love them from here till eternity :P ) Edit: To anyone who voted in last day or so for anybody in any category, you may need to go vote again, as they have been experiencing technical difficulties that prevent peoples' votes being confirmed.**_

A little story: It was my birthday in February and my dear friend (said through gritted teeth), N-Beg, gave me a personalized, autographed picture of Rob Pattinson. Pretty cool, yes? It was an amazing gift that I am very grateful for. It was, however, her methods of acquiring said picture that I have issues with. I won't go into detail but some notable points of the letter were:  
-Her implying I had some sort of shrine to him, which I do not...

-Her implying that I had my photo taken with a cardboard cutout of him, which I did not...

-Her telling him about this fic, which...I don't even want to think about!

-Her saying that I was "obsessed" with him, which I am not...

-Her enclosing the worst picture of me ever taken of me, in which I bear a shocking resemblance to ET (the camera was moving and I was pulling a face)

_-Her pointing out said resemblance to ET_

_..._

_Her excuse was that "my friend thinks you seem like a nice guy and you play Edward well" was not interesting enough. Gah!_

_However, if anyone wants to see the pic (which I AM grateful for) just ask and I'll scan it in and post a link on my profile._

_Oh and I'll post a link to a vid of Tom Hanks doing the rap from BIG on my profile too, if anyone wants to see it._

_Ok, I'm really going now! :P_

_Thanks again for reading, you guys are amazing!_

_Hannah xx_


	9. The Note of Epic!

**UPDATE: Just a quick note to say thanks to everyone who nominated/voted for me in the indies, we not only got nominated, we got to the final round! Final voting starts tomorrow so I'm going to shamelessly beg for votes again. I know I don't stand a chance of winning (some of the other stories in my category are fantastic) but hey, it's worth a shot! I love you all!**

**IMPORTANT**

Hello all, bet you weren't expecting to hear from me so soon. :) And don't worry this only a semi-crappy authors note!

OK, so first the AWESOME news. The "...plans" that I was talking about at the end of last chapter have come to fruition and I can now present... Drumroll please! .......

Insomniacs: Games Night!

This is the official sequel to Insomniacs: Hide and Seek and is written by my good friend N-Beg. She's the one wrote the letter to Rob so I think you can see how awesome its going to be already! She posted the first chapter tonight so head on over and check it out (and don't forget to leave her a review, this is her first Twilight fic)

Here's the link:

www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5185031/1/Insomniacs_Games_Night

Next piece of awesomeness, there will be a third part to the series released over the summer which will be a collaboration between N-Beg and I. We have a fair amount planned already and it looks like it will be hilarious so I'll let you know when thats up. And just as a teaser, here's the title...

Insomniacs: Capture the Flag

Woop!

Ok, more news... Thank you to everyone who nominated me for the Indie Twific Awards *loves forever*, my story was validated so you'll be able to vote for it from the 8th of July! YAY! Finalists in each category will then be shortlisted for a second and final vote. Err, its a bit confusing so I copied and pasted the schedule for you.

List of nominated fics posted: 7/1

First round of voting: 7/8 to 7/12

Short list of Final Nominations: 7/14

Final voting: 7/22 to 7/26

Winners announced: 7/28

I'm pretty sure that's everything. Just have to say that this'll be the sort of News chapter from here on out, so if you see that the story has been updated it'll be another piece of news here.

Right, thats all folks!

Hannah xx


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